What is your opinion about this one.......?

I really enjoyed this poem, it was very vivid and flowed very well. I really enjoy poems telling a story. Do you think you could tell me what you think on mine? It is for a very special girl of mine http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AoaskK8bFI4KvtpBwv5Wah2n5HNG;_ylv=3?qid=20110330231640AAP3w3D